Memoirs of a McFarland: First Mother's Day!

This past mother's day was the first one I ever really celebrated. Well, of course you say, I only have a ten month old so that would make perfect sense. However, I was eight months pregnant last year, which in any woman's mind would make her believe she was already a mother and then the mother's day before that I had already been pregnant (and lost it) so I was a quasi-mother? I never really know how to approach that . . . I had a baby, but not really. I was a mother, but not really. Oh well, it's in the past.

Anyway, this year I really, truly, was a mother in the full sense of the word. Until I had Alex, I never really knew what it was like to be a mother (once again, duh, right?). I had been a nanny for five kids and had many experiences babysititng. I didn't need to learn how to change a diaper, what different cries meant, what to do if the baby hurt itself - I already knew. I even loved the kids I watched with all my heart since they were my nieces and nephews. I thought I was all set and their was nothing else to learn. Boy, was I wrong!!! Having Alex was the craziest experience ever and I just don't mean the labor. I almost had a nervous breakdown during the first month because everything was so new. I also had never felt such immediate love for something. Of course I love Eric and knew I wanted to marry him the first time we met, but our love has grown over time. I just couldn't help loving Alex from the very start.

The biggest change was the OVERWHELMING sense of responsibility I feel for him. Every day, I am faced with a myriad of concerns and he's not even a year yet. I worry about not spending enough one-on-one time with him, spending too much one-on-one time with him, the fact that he's not walking yet or can't hold a bottle, that he might not learn how to speak well, that I'm not having him interact with other children enough, that I'm not feeding him the right foods, that I'm spoiling him too much or not enough, when I should start putting him in preschool . . . it's exhausting!!! And all the books seem to say something different. I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to survive once he gets exposed to the outside world and I'm DREADING his teen years! Now I finally understand why my parents always seemed too stifiling. I guess they really, truly, were just concerned for my wellbeing and wanted the best. Looking back, they did a pretty good job and I have pretty big shoes to fill.

With all my worrying and learning, I wouldn't trade being a mother for the world. It has given me such a sense of purpose and I always wonder what took me so long. Of course, it is not always easy. The hardest part is feeling useless since I don't have anyone but Eric to praise my "work" and no promos to look forward to. I guess I'm rewarded every time Alex won't get off my lap and he learns to do something new. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to raise such a wonderful kid and I thank Heavenly Father every day for putting his trust in me to give me something so precious and delicate.

Eric made the day special by making me german pancakes (I guess it's turning into a holiday tradition). During breakfast he pretended he had to go to the bathoom. The doorbell rand and although I hestitated to answer it in my pajamas, I reluctantly opened it. Eric had placed a beautiful forsythia plant with a gorgeous bumble watch tied around it on our porch. The rest of the day was filled with teaching the relief society lesson and paying homage to my mom for Mother's Day and her birthday (which incidentally is on the 11th). It was nice to be remembered and I'm so grateful for Eric supporting me as a stay-at-home mom. Can't wait for next year!