We've Made It This Far . . . .

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BLOG IS RATED PG-13

Well, it's officially been five years since Eric and I got married . . . and after two college degrees, five moves, two mortgages, and a child- we are still very much in love. People have always told me how marriage is so hard - but I don't ever feel that way in mine. I seriously am the happiest I've ever been in my life and feel like Eric is my perfect other half. I know people may just SAY that and then file for divorce a month later, but we really, truly, have a very happy emotional, spiritual, and physical (come on, people, we're married - if you don't like it go to another site) marriage. These past five years have flown by and I can't ever imagine my life without Eric (or Alex for that matter). I'm so glad I took my time in finding the right spouse and in developing that relationship before we brought kids into the equation. Don't get me wrong, we love Alex to death but he came at the right time. I am so excited for what new advantures the next five years bring and since we've done so well so far I know we'll go the distance. It's very sad at how many divorcees my age I know (and I'm not even 30 yet). As I reflect on our marriage I came up with reasons why I think we have a good marriage (p.s. this only works if you BOTH do it):

1. Say goodbye to opposite-sex friends

This is a BIG rule in our marriage and it works out quite nicely. We don't associate alone with anyone of the opposite sex (with the exclusion of family members). This includes eating lunch with a collegue alone - even if it's in the office. We don't have any friends of the opposite sex that aren't part of a couple (and by "friends" I mean more than just, hi, bye, how are you doing?) We have said goodbye forever to old flings and boyfriends/girlfriends. People tend to be very lax on this and it is VERY dangerous! When I was eighteen I became friends with a married man. I thought we were just friends but he had different ideas. He would drive me home from our study group and sometimes we'd stop to get lunch at a fast food restuarant. When he tried to make a pass at me I realized my mistake and promised to never do that kind of thing again. Having a friendship is dangerous because all of a sudden it can turn into a relationship. Just keep away from that possibility by avoiding it all together.

2. Say hello to your new best friend

Friends of the same sex are important, but your spouse needs to be your best friend - the one you tell secrets to that you wouldn't to anyone else. No one should ever be as close to you as your spouse. People always know that if they tell me a secret, Eric will know as well. Same with him. It's just the way it works. I enjoy an occasional girls night out and Eric likes playing ball with the boys but when it comes down to it, we prefer our company over anything else.

3. Let your hair down

I'm always flabergasted when I hear other couples say that they've never passed gas in front of each other or that they feel like they can't do certain things around each other. Newsflash: EVERYONE passes gas. Seriously. I'm not saying you go around letting it rip whenever you feel like it, but you also shouldn't have to run to the bathroom when you feel one slipping out. What kind of life is it when you don't feel like you can be yourself even in your own home? Relax around each other. Little things like that will become endearing. I always have to giggle when Eric passes gas because it isn't that often but I think it's kinda cute. Besides, if you plan to have kids one day and let your husband in the delivery room- all that will seem very minimal.

4. Just because you're married doesn't mean you don't need to be attractive anymore

On that same note, a marriage license is not a license to gorge yourself on doughnuts, wash only once a week, or resign yourself to warmups. Sure you'll have a hard day now and then and you won't want to shower or shave. And I'm not saying you walk around looking like Paris Hilton all the time either (yuk- what man wants to put up with such high maitanance?) but you should try to take care of yourself like you did when you were trying to catch a mate. It's ok to flucuate a bit weight wise - especially as we age and have children but if he married you at a size zero and your now a size 20, something is not right. Same goes for him. Try to dress up and look nice for each other every now and then - and not just on date night.

5. Put your spouse's needs before your own

This is the BEST WAY TO HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE. Always think of your spouse first. Always think of things you can do to make him/her happy and if they do it to - surprise - you'll have a happy marriage. Even if they don't feel the same way at first, if you keep trying to make them happy and sacrificing for them, they will eventually want to do the same in return (unless they're a total jerk and in that case, dump 'um).

6. ALWAYS tell the truth - don't keep secrets

I know a number of wives who will spend recklessly and then try to hide the fact from their husbands because they don't want to get into trouble and/or take it back. First of all, it's a partnership. Whatever is his is yours and vice versa. If he can't afford it, neither can you. If he gets upset it's just because he's watching out for the family. Sure, every now and then I'll buy something we don't need that I shouldn't have. I ALWAYS tell Eric everything that I buy and he always lets me decide if I want to keep it or not (besides - he has access to our online account - I couldn't hide it if I wanted to). Most times if we can't afford it, I recognize it on my own and take it back (although I'm sure this drives my husband nuts as we try to keep a budget but he deals with it). He doesn't take away my debit card and I don't spend OUR money recklessly. Honesty is SOOOO important in a marriage because it fosters trust and that way you can act like a partnership and make decisions together. He/she may not need to know the little secrets like that you like to pick at your toenails in the bathroom when no one is watching but if you make mistakes tell him/her right away. It's always better than hiding it and having him/her find out later anyway.

7. EVERYONE has a past . . . but remember, it's in the past

As I get older I am recognizing that EVERYONE has a past - whether it's relationships with old boyfriends/girlfriends, the one time they spent a night in jail, or even their reckless period when they tried smoking. Another newsflash - no one is perfect. We ALL make mistakes. Hopefully, as we get older we make less of them and learn our lessons. The important thing to remember is that it's in the past. If they have reformed and don't do those things anymore than they shouldn't ever be an issue (or brought up). ESPECIALLY if it was before you met them. Don't hide your past - it's important that you don't have secrets as mentioned above but they don't necessarily have to know all the nitty-gritty details like the fact that you had FIFTY boyfriends before them.

8. Have Date Night (and make time for boom boom)

Eric and I try to go on a date at least once a week. We aren't always able to get a babysitter but at least we spend time together doing something fun. When you have children they always seem to come first but the marital relationship is VERY important -more so than between parent and child in my opinion because someday they will grow up and leave. You need to make time to nuture and not neglect that relationship. And on the same note, believe it or not but sex is very important. You may think as you've been together longer and you get older that it doesn't matter that much but it really does. Try to make a goal of "personal time" (however many times you feel is right) every week. If you don't make it one week, try to make up for it :) And it can't always be quickie's. Otherwise, one of you might start straying whether you meant to or not. It also helps develop a closer bond and feeds that loving relationship. And, on this plan, you can't stay mad at each other long.

9. Whatever your views on the issue might be, the traditional male and female roles work

This might not apply before children but is vital after children. I consider myself pretty modern when it comes to equal rights. I got my degree in business, started my own business, and "had a real job" for about five years. I believe that it is very important for females to get an education. That being said, I also believe that it is very important for females to stay at home with their children - at least while they're young. Why? Because earning a living and raising a family are both hard work! I REALLY think people stretch themselves too thin when they try to do both. Can they both be done - sure, but can they both be done well? I don't think so. I have learned this lesson by carefully watching (and associating) with others who have NOT followed this. When both parents work, neither of them want to make a good dinner when they get home (and don't have time). Their kids are raised by someone else (who may or may not have the same values) and suffer as a consequence (you may not think they do, but they do). The house is not as clean, yardwork gets put off - there is just not enough time in a day to do it all (without neglecting the children or each other). As far as the father staying home - sorry guys - in 99% of the cases, it's just not as good. Women are better nurturers. I'm not saying they can't do what guys do and guys can't do what they do, but it's true. They bear the children for a reason. When the wife stays home she can take care of the children and house and make dinner, etc. When the father gets home he has a break from work, a good meal, and can take the children off the mother's hands for awhile. Both have enough time to get done what they need done and both pull their share equally. I understand that sometimes the circumstances are such that the traditional roles can't be played, but it should only be as long as needs be.

10. You are equals

Just because you have different roles does not mean that one of you is superior to the other. Going forward to the "you're married, act like it" you should always make decisions together. When I first married Eric I kind of expected him to take control and make the big decisions like where we were going to live, etc because the other men close to me in my life had been that way. Instead, he would always involve me in the decision-making process and although it was sometimes scary for me to think that I couldn't blame him if we made a wrong choice, I loved him more for letting me be a part of the process. Neither of you are superior to the other.

11. You're married - act like it

None of this seperate accounts crap. Your money is his and vice versa. Also, don't make big decisions on your own. I'm not talking about what's for dinner but if you want to buy a car, change your job, or become a transvestite (kidding) you need to discuss it with your spouse. These decisions affect you both, even if you both earn an income.

12. Communicate!

This one seems to be a given. Talk about things! I have a hard time with this one because I think he should "just know" why I'm upset. Most of the time he's clueless (I find that to be a common factor in men.) But I'm working on it. I also try to figure out when he's had a bad day and get him to talk about it. Eric used to have a very hard time with this but is getting a lot better as well. We all need to talk about things that bother us and things that are good in our lives. If we feel we don't have the opportunity to do that with our spouse, we naturally look to someone else. Let your spouse know that you are willing to listen to whatever they want to talk about. Encourage it and draw it out if needs be.

13. His/Her Family is Your Family

Don't overly-criticize your spouse's family. They are now, and forever more, your family whether you like it or not. Learn to love them as much as he/she does (even if he/she recognizes that they have serious issues too).

14. Consistantly Urge Each Other to Be Better People

Don't constantly criticize your spouse but gently bring out the best in them. One is not designated to have this position - you both should contribute. Some people may refer to this as "nagging" but often times we can save each other from ourselves. None of us are perfect and we sometimes need reminding of this fact.

15. Marry the Right Person

This one is hard because people try to fall back on it. "Oh, I didn't marry the right person. He/she is not the one for me." Sorry - once you've made the commitment to marry, I feel you have a responsibility to stick it out. ESPECIALLY if you have children. I also feel that if you and he/she do the above mentioned, you can still be very happy. I believe strongly that love is an action, not a feeling. I'm not saying that I'm not head over heels for Eric, because I am. But I'm not sure I would be able to love him as much if I didn't try to sacrifice for him and vice versa. However, it is a lot easier if you try to seperate yourselves emotionally and look at a marriage proposal rationally. Do you have similar interests, political views, religious views, etc? Do you want to have children? Have the same number of children? Want to move around? All of these things are questions you're going to have to deal with in your marriage together and so you might as well figure out the answers now and be able to change your mind before you go through with it. You CAN still get along with these differences, just once again - it is a lot more difficult. Don't just rush into marriage because you are "SO IN LOVE!!!" If you're still too blinded to make those rational decisions, listen to your friends and family. They might see something you cannot.

16. Be Romantic

I've already talked about the importance of sex but even that is not enough. We need to be romantic sometimes (guys, don't role your eyes). Remember, romance is why we fell in love in the first place (especially if you're LDS and can't do certain other things.) We need to take time to walk along holding hands, look into each other's eyes, and tell each other we love one another. Eric and I have a stupid little tradition where we kiss everytime we cross a bridge - big or small. It doesn't really have any sentimental value but it makes us remember to kiss each other now and then. We also squeeze hands when we're in public to let one another know we love each other without anyone else knowing. Flowers, little notes, quick texts, a surprise romantic weekend alone - all of that is good on BOTH ends. Women, don't think men don't need to be romanticized because they do too!

I might add more to this as I think about it more. I actually started this at the beginning of August and have been adding to it since. Sorry it's so long but I think it's important.